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Anthony jeselnik Funny Best Jokes

1. Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? Because he had nobody to go with, just like my love life.
2. I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
3. I asked my dad for his best dad joke. He said, “You.”
4. My grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology.” I replied, “No, your generation relies too much on technology.” Then I unplugged his life support.
5. I once dated an optometrist. She broke up with me, saying I didn’t see things clearly. I didn’t see that coming.
6. My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said, “No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yes.”
7. I tried to join a theater group for people with amnesia, but they forgot to invite me to the auditions.
8. I told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts. He charged me double.
9. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field, unlike my attempts at stand-up comedy.
10. I walked into a bar and ordered a double entendre. The bartender gave it to me, both ways.
11. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too low. She looked surprised.
12. I asked my friend how to start a wildfire. He said, “Just call it ‘Gender Reveal Party’.”
13. My mom said she wanted to live on through her children. So I’m making funeral arrangements for her right now.
14. I asked my girlfriend if she ever fantasizes about me, and she said yes. I’m not sure what’s worse, that she does or that she talks in her sleep.
15. I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
16. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
17. I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me, and then I didn’t show up. I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.
18. My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I kept pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
19. My wife left me because I’m insecure. No wait, she’s back. She just went to make a cup of tea.
20. My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her. So I said, “Alright, fatty.”

Anthony jeselnik Puns Jokes

1. My pet rock died. It was a hard loss.
2. I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
3. Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired.
4. I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
5. What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta.
6. Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
7. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
8. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
9. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? He made a mint.
10. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
11. I’m reading a horror book in Braille. Something bad is about to happen… I can feel it.
12. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
13. Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
14. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek competition, but it’s hard to find good players. They’re always hiding.
15. Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.
16. I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
17. What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house? The living room.
18. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
19. I told my friend ten jokes to make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
20. I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.

Anthony jeselnik Pickup Lines Jokes

1. Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears and I’m left wondering what kind of dark sorcery you possess.
2. Is your name Google? Because you have everything I’ve been searching for, including the occasional existential crisis.
3. Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you, and I may need stitches.
4. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again with a better one-liner?
5. Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got “fine” written all over you, and I’m pretty sure I can’t afford you.
6. Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I’m really feeling a connection, but it might just be because I’m desperate for some signal in this dead zone of my love life.
7. Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you’re Cu-Te, and I’m wondering if our chemistry could be as electrifying as this pun.
8. Are you an interior decorator? Because when I saw you, the entire room became more attractive, and now I’m questioning my taste in furniture.
9. Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes, and I’m starting to suspect there might be a labyrinthine dimension hidden within them.
10. Is your name Netflix? Because I could binge-watch you for hours and still not get tired of your captivating plot twists.
11. Are you a bank loan? Because you have my interest, but I’m worried about the hefty emotional debt I might incur.
12. Are you a thief? Because you just stole my heart, and I’m contemplating pressing charges.
13. Is your name Ariel? Because we could be part of a real-life tragic love story, complete with singing crustaceans and a questionable happy ending.
14. Do you have a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants, and I’m pretty sure that’s not where I left my self-respect.
15. Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I feel like I’m posing for a candid shot of regret.
16. Are you a tornado? Because you just swept me off my feet, and now I’m trying to figure out if this is a natural disaster or a romantic opportunity.
17. Do you like Star Wars? Because Yoda one for me, and I’m hoping our love story doesn’t end with me losing a hand in a lightsaber duel.
18. Are you an archaeologist? Because I’ve got a large bone you can dig up, and I’m hoping it leads to an ancient civilization of romantic possibilities.
19. Are you a campfire? Because you’re hot, you smell like wood, and I’m tempted to roast marshmallows over your burning passion.
20. Are you an elevator? Because every time I’m around you, I feel like I’m going up… and then rapidly plummeting into a pit of existential dread.

Anthony jeselnik Charade Jokes

1. Charade: (Act out using exaggerated facial expressions and gestures)
   Answer: Poker face
2. Charade: (Stand still with a perplexed expression, then suddenly pretend to have a eureka moment)
   Answer: Lightbulb moment
3. Charade: (Pantomime digging a hole in the ground)
   Answer: Digging your own grave
4. Charade: (Pretend to juggle invisible objects while wearing a stressed expression)
   Answer: Juggling responsibilities
5. Charade: (Make a show of frantically searching your pockets or bag)
   Answer: Searching for lost keys
6. Charade: (Gesture to your head as if pondering deeply, then dramatically throw your hands up in frustration)
   Answer: Overthinking
7. Charade: (Pretend to be on a sinking ship, frantically bailing water with an imaginary bucket)
   Answer: Bailing out
8. Charade: (Pantomime typing on an invisible keyboard, then suddenly freeze and look puzzled)
   Answer: Writer’s block
9. Charade: (Mime walking on a tightrope with arms outstretched for balance)
   Answer: Walking a tightrope
10. Charade: (Hold your stomach and grimace in pain, then mime swallowing a pill)
    Answer: Indigestion
11. Charade: (Act out being tangled in invisible ropes, struggling to break free)
    Answer: Caught in a web
12. Charade: (Pretend to be a fish swimming upstream, fighting against an invisible current)
    Answer: Swimming against the tide
13. Charade: (Pantomime holding a heavy weight on your shoulders, staggering under the imaginary burden)
    Answer: Carrying the weight of the world
14. Charade: (Act out blowing up a balloon until it pops)
    Answer: Bursting with excitement
15. Charade: (Pretend to be a puppet on strings, moving jerkily and looking up as if controlled from above)
    Answer: Puppet on a string
16. Charade: (Mime climbing a ladder with exaggerated movements, then suddenly pretend to slip and fall)
    Answer: Falling from grace
17. Charade: (Hold hands up to eyes like binoculars, then act surprised and point excitedly)
    Answer: Spotting something unexpected
18. Charade: (Pantomime being stuck in quicksand, struggling to pull yourself out)
    Answer: Sinking feeling
19. Charade: (Make a show of repeatedly checking an imaginary watch, then shrug and look exasperated)
    Answer: Running out of time
20. Charade: (Pretend to be a mime trapped in an invisible box, pushing against the walls)
    Answer: Thinking outside the box

Anthony jeselnik OneLiners Jokes

1. I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”
2. I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
3. I told my friend ten jokes to make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
4. I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
5. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
6. Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
7. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
8. Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.
9. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek competition, but it’s hard to find good players. They’re always hiding.
10. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
11. I’m reading a horror book in Braille. Something bad is about to happen… I can feel it.
12. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? He made a mint.
13. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
14. Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
15. I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
16. My pet rock died. It was a hard loss.
17. What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house? The living room.
18. I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
19. Is your name Google? Because you have everything I’ve been searching for, including the occasional existential crisis.
20. Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears and I’m left wondering what kind of dark sorcery you possess.

Anthony jeselnik Quotes Jokes

1. “I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of dying and having no one to appreciate my dark humor at the funeral.”
2. “People say I have a dark sense of humor. I say I just shed light on the shadows of reality.”
3. “Life’s too short to take seriously. Laugh at the darkness, and it might just become a little less daunting.”
4. “I don’t believe in ghosts, but I do believe in the lingering echoes of our mistakes haunting us.”
5. “The best punchlines are the ones that hit you like a freight train in the dark tunnel of your expectations.”
6. “I’m not a pessimist. I’m just a realist who finds humor in the absurdity of it all.”
7. “Love is like a game of Russian roulette. You never know if the next chamber holds passion or pain.”
8. “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then add some vodka and toast to the bittersweet symphony of existence.”
9. “The only thing darker than my humor is the abyss staring back at me when I look in the mirror.”
10. “Some people see the glass half full, others see it half empty. I just wonder who drank the other half.”
11. “They say laughter is the best medicine. Well, I guess that makes me a twisted pharmacist.”
12. “I’m not good at expressing my emotions. That’s why I prefer to package them into jokes and hope someone gets the message.”
13. “Life is like a rollercoaster. It’s thrilling, terrifying, and occasionally makes you want to throw up.”
14. “I don’t have trust issues. I just prefer to keep my expectations low and my punchlines high.”
15. “They say time heals all wounds. I say time just makes the scars a little less visible, but the pain is still there if you poke around.”
16. “I’m not looking for love. I’m looking for someone who can match my sarcasm and laugh at my twisted jokes.”
17. “If life was fair, I’d be a billionaire comedian. Instead, I’m just rich in dark humor and existential dread.”
18. “Some people chase dreams. I prefer to chase nightmares and turn them into punchlines.”
19. “Life’s too short to waste on seriousness. Embrace the absurdity and find humor in the chaos.”
20. “They say laughter is contagious. Well, I guess that makes me a carrier of the darkest jokes.”

Anthony jeselnik Captions Jokes

1. “Living life on the edge… of a really dark joke.”
2. “Sarcasm: my love language.”
3. “Embracing the darkness with a smirk.”
4. “Fooling around with the shadows of my mind.”
5. “When life gives you lemons, make them into bitter punchlines.”
6. “Flirting with disaster and laughing all the way.”
7. “Finding humor in the abyss of existence.”
8. “Dancing with the devil and making him laugh.”
9. “Just another day, just another inappropriate joke.”
10. “Twisted minds think alike.”
11. “The darker the humor, the brighter the soul.”
12. “My sense of humor is as black as my coffee.”
13. “Chasing laughs like they’re my last breath.”
14. “Making light of life’s darkest moments.”
15. “Joking through the pain like a true professional.”
16. “Smiling through the chaos, one punchline at a time.”
17. “Laughing in the face of adversity and winning.”
18. “My jokes are like fine wine: dark, bold, and leave you questioning your life choices.”
19. “Turning tragedy into comedy gold.”
20. “I may be twisted, but at least I’m entertaining.”

Anthony jeselnik Puzzles & Riddles Jokes

1. Puzzle: I speak without a mouth and hear without ears. I have no body, but I come alive with anger and tears. What am I?
   Answer: An echo
2. Puzzle: The more you take, the more you leave behind. What am I?
   Answer: Footsteps
3. Puzzle: What has keys but can’t open locks?
   Answer: A piano
4. Puzzle: I have cities, but no houses. I have mountains, but no trees. I have water, but no fish. What am I?
   Answer: A map
5. Puzzle: I’m tall when I’m young, and I’m short when I’m old. What am I?
   Answer: A candle
6. Puzzle: What has a head, a tail, is brown, and has no legs?
   Answer: A penny
7. Puzzle: What has keys but can’t open locks, space but no room, and you can enter but not go outside?
   Answer: A keyboard
8. Puzzle: The more you take, the more you leave behind. What am I?
   Answer: Footsteps
9. Puzzle: What begins with an “e”, ends with an “e”, and only contains one letter?
   Answer: An envelope
10. Puzzle: What runs but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, and has a bed but never sleeps?
    Answer: A river
11. Puzzle: What has keys but can’t open locks, and space but no room?
    Answer: A keyboard
12. Puzzle: I’m taken from a mine and shut up in a wooden case, from which I’m never released, and yet I’m used by almost every person. What am I?
    Answer: A pencil lead
13. Puzzle: I speak without a mouth and hear without ears. I have no body, but I come alive with anger and tears. What am I?
    Answer: An echo
14. Puzzle: What gets wetter as it dries?
    Answer: A towel
15. Puzzle: What belongs to you but other people use it more than you do?
    Answer: Your name
16. Puzzle: I’m not alive, but I can grow. I don’t have lungs, but I need air to survive. What am I?
    Answer: Fire
17. Puzzle: What has a neck but no head?
    Answer: A bottle
18. Puzzle: What has many keys but can’t open a single lock?
    Answer: A piano
19. Puzzle: What has branches, but no leaves, and a trunk, but no roots?
    Answer: A bank
20. Puzzle: What can travel around the world while staying in a corner?
    Answer: A stamp

1. I speak without a mouth and hear without ears. I have no body, but I come alive with anger and tears. What am I? (Answer: An echo)
2. I’m tall when I’m young and short when I’m old. What am I? (Answer: A candle)
3. I’m taken from a mine and shut up in a wooden case, from which I’m never released, and yet I’m used by almost every person. What am I? (Answer: A pencil lead)
4. I can be cracked, made, told, and played. What am I? (Answer: A joke)
5. I have keys but open no locks. I have space but no room. You can enter, but you can’t go outside. What am I? (Answer: A keyboard)
6. I have cities but no houses, forests but no trees, and rivers but no water. What am I? (Answer: A map)
7. I’m not alive, but I can grow. I don’t have lungs, but I need air. What am I? (Answer: Fire)
8. I have branches, but no leaves. I have a trunk, but no roots. What am I? (Answer: A bank)
9. I’m light as a feather, yet the strongest person can’t hold me for much longer than a minute. What am I? (Answer: Breath)
10. I start with an “e”, end with an “e”, and usually contain only one letter. What am I? (Answer: An envelope)
11. I’m not alive, but I can die. I don’t have lungs, but I need air to survive. What am I? (Answer: Fire)
12. I’m tall when I’m young and short when I’m old. What am I? (Answer: A candle)
13. I speak without a mouth and hear without ears. I have no body, but I come alive with anger and tears. What am I? (Answer: An echo)
14. I’m taken from a mine and shut up in a wooden case, from which I’m never released, and yet I’m used by almost every person. What am I? (Answer: A pencil lead)
15. I have keys but open no locks. I have space but no room. You can enter, but you can’t go outside. What am I? (Answer: A keyboard)
16. I have cities but no houses, forests but no trees, and rivers but no water. What am I? (Answer: A map)
17. I’m not alive, but I can grow. I don’t have lungs, but I need air. What am I? (Answer: Fire)
18. I have branches, but no leaves. I have a trunk, but no roots. What am I? (Answer: A bank)
19. I’m light as a feather, yet the strongest person can’t hold me for much longer than a minute. What am I? (Answer: Breath)
20. I start with an “e”, end with an “e”, and usually contain only one letter. What am I? (Answer: An envelope)

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