“100+ Anthony Jeselnik Jokes: Surprisingly Dark and Hilarious!”


“100+ Anthony Jeselnik Jokes: Surprisingly Dark and Hilarious!”

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Enter the uproarious realm of Anthony Jeselnik’s comedic cosmos, where wit takes center stage, and laughter reigns supreme. Prepare to journey through a cascade of cunning quips, side-splitting one-liners, and audacious anecdotes that will leave you doubled over with delight. In this rollicking rendezvous with the master of mirth himself, we’ll explore the labyrinthine corridors of humor, decipher clever riddles, and even dabble in a dash of devilish charm with some of Jeselnik’s sly pickup lines. So, fasten your seatbelt and brace yourself for an exhilarating expedition through the comedic brilliance of Anthony Jeselnik – where each word is a comedic masterpiece waiting to detonate your funny bone.

“20 Jest-tastic, Anthony-ishing One-Liners That’ll Leave You Speechless!”

  1. Why do I get in trouble for things I say on stage, but politicians get a pass for things they do in real life? It’s because no one takes me seriously, and they take politicians seriously. It’s not fair.
  2. I love doing comedy for a living. It’s the only job in the world where you can say whatever you want, and as long as it’s funny, nobody gets mad.
  3. I used to date a girl who had a twin. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was easy – Jill was really, really ugly.
  4. People say there’s no such thing as a stupid question. Obviously, they’ve never been to one of my shows.
  5. They say laughter is the best medicine, but if you laugh at your own jokes, you’re probably a hypochondriac.
  6. My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her ex-boyfriend. So I dumped her.
  7. I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
  8. I like to think of myself as a gentleman. I always hold the door open for women. Even if they’re not going into the bathroom.
  9. I tried online dating, but I couldn’t find anyone who shared my interests. Mainly, I’m interested in not getting murdered.
  10. I’ve been called a lot of things in my life, but “comedian” is probably the worst insult I’ve ever received.
  11. They say you are what you eat. That’s why I’m so full of baloney.
  12. My mom always said I could be anything I wanted to be. So I became a disappointment.
  13. I don’t have a lot of friends, but the ones I do have are really good at pretending to be busy when I call them.
  14. People always tell me I’m going to hell for my jokes. I guess I’ll see you there!
  15. I told my parents I wanted to be a comedian when I grew up. They laughed at me.
  16. I don’t understand people who say they can’t live without coffee. I can live without coffee. I just choose not to.
  17. I asked my doctor if I could have a second opinion. He said, “Sure, you’re ugly too.”
  18. I hate when people ask me what I’ll be doing in five years. I don’t even know what I’ll be doing in five minutes.
  19. I love going to weddings. It’s like a free buffet of bad decisions.
  20. I don’t know why people call it “making love.” It’s more like “making excuses.”

“20 Wit-tastic Quips: The Jestacular World of Anthony Jeselnik!”

  1. My girlfriend said she wanted to be treated like a princess, so I married her off to a prince.
  2. I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough, so I went to law school and started making a different kind of bread.
  3. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
  4. I used to be a lifeguard, but I was let go because I couldn’t save a relationship.
  5. My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a construction joke, but I told him I’m still building up the courage.
  6. I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was a waist of time.
  7. I went to a seafood restaurant and ordered a shrimp cocktail. It was a pretty fishy drink.
  8. I used to work at a calendar factory, but I got fired for taking too many days off.
  9. I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me vacation ads.
  10. My dog used to chase people on a bike until I took it away. Now he just sits in the corner and mutters about his lost freedom.
  11. I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying, “Ooh, I love how smooth it is!”
  12. I started a band called “Dyslexic Heart.” We only play songs in the wrong order.
  13. I tried to make a pun about math, but it was too derivative.
  14. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
  15. I tried to make a pun about vegetables, but it was too corny.
  16. I told my friend a joke about construction, but I’m still waiting for the punchline.
  17. I bought a dictionary and threw it in the ocean to see if it would redefine “seafood.”
  18. I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough. Now I’m a banker, and I still can’t make enough dough.
  19. I used to be a gardener, but I couldn’t find my roots, so I became a genealogist.
  20. I tried to become a professional pun writer, but it didn’t pay enough, so I decided to stick to my day job as a comedian.

“20 Wickedly Hilarious Pickup Lines Inspired by the Anthony Jeselnik Vibe”

  1. Are you a parking ticket? Because you have “Fine” written all over you.
  2. Is your name Google? Because you have everything I’ve been searching for.
  3. Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.
  4. Are you an angel? Because I think I’ve died and gone to heaven.
  5. Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I’m feeling a connection.
  6. Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
  7. Is there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I’ve been searching for.
  8. Do you have a name, or can I call you mine?
  9. Are you French? Because Eiffel for you.
  10. Can I follow you home? Because my parents always told me to follow my dreams.
  11. Is your dad a baker? Because you’re a cutie pie.
  12. Do you have a pencil? Cause I want to erase your past and write our future.
  13. Is there a sparkle in your eye, or are you just happy to see me?
  14. Are you a campfire? Because you’re hot and I want s’more.
  15. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
  16. Is your name Cinderella? Because your beauty has me spellbound.
  17. Do you have a quarter? Because I want to call my mom and tell her I met the girl of my dreams.
  18. Is your name Ariel? Because we were mermaid for each other.
  19. Do you have a name, or can I call you mine?
  20. Is your dad a boxer? Because you’re a knockout!

“20 Astonishing Anthony Jeselnik Zingers That’ll Leave You Speechless”

  1. I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
  2. I love children… but I can’t eat a whole one.
  3. I used to date a stripper, so I’m used to girls pretending to like me.
  4. I’m not religious, but I finally understand the meaning of “hell on Earth.”
  5. My mom’s so Jewish she referred to our dishwasher as the “oven.”
  6. I’m not saying my grandma’s a slut, but her wheelchair has a sidecar.
  7. They say you can’t live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.
  8. I have a stepfather now… probably because nobody else would have him.
  9. I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
  10. I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.
  11. If you want to know what it’s like to have kids, just imagine having a blender that you don’t have a top for.
  12. They say you are what you eat, which is funny because I don’t remember eating a legend.
  13. People say “I’m sorry” all the time, but nobody ever says “I apologize.” I think it’s time we normalize saying, “I apologize” instead of “I’m sorry.”
  14. I think it’s great when kids are bilingual, but I feel like a real failure because I’m not trilingual. I can barely speak one language well, let alone three.
  15. I once dated a girl who owned a parakeet… oh, my god, that f***ing thing never shut up. But the bird was cool.
  16. I’ve always wanted to have a conversation with a deaf person using sign language. Not because I know sign language, but because it would be really funny to act like I do and just make s**t up.
  17. My girlfriend’s so sensitive. One time, I jokingly told her that she should lighten up, and she disappeared into the air like a ghost.
  18. I used to be a lifeguard until some blue kid got me fired.
  19. I saw a sign that said, “Watch for children.” I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
  20. I’ll never forget the last words my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket: “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

“20 Mind-Bending Riddles Inspired by the Witty World of Anthony Jeselnik”

  1. Why did the scarecrow win an award?
  2. What do you call a bear with no teeth?
  3. Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
  4. What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
  5. Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
  6. What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?
  7. Why did the math book look sad?
  8. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
  9. Why did the bicycle fall over?
  10. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
  11. Why did the tomato turn red?
  12. What did the ocean say to the beach?
  13. Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
  14. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
  15. Why did the scarecrow become a successful stand-up comedian?
  16. What did one wall say to the other wall?
  17. Why did the computer catch a cold?
  18. What’s brown and sticky?
  19. Why did the tomato turn green?
  20. What did the traffic light say to the car?

“Anthony Jeselnik: Where Dark Comedy Meets Light Laughter”

As we wrap up this journey through the witty world of Anthony Jeselnik’s humor arsenal, remember that humor, like life itself, can be both dark and light, surprising and thought-provoking. If you’ve enjoyed these razor-sharp quips and clever riddles, why not explore more comedic treasures on our site? Delve into the abyss of laughter, explore the mind-bending mazes of wordplay, and uncover the unexpected in the realm of jesters and jests. Your laughter-filled adventure has only just begun.

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