Deadpan Funny Best Jokes
- Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
- Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
- Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
- Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
- What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta.
- Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
- Why don’t eggs tell jokes? Because they’d crack each other up.
- Why don’t bicycles stand up on their own? They’re two-tired.
- Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
- What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time.
- Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be called bagels.
- Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
- What did one hat say to the other? You stay here, I’ll go on ahead.
- Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
- Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
- Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
- Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
- What’s a tree’s favorite drink? Root beer.
- Why was the computer cold? It left its Windows open.
- Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired.
Deadpan Puns Jokes
- I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
- I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
- I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
- I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
- I told my computer I needed a break, but it refused to take a screenshot.
- I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
- I told my friend she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
- I’m writing a book on reverse psychology. Don’t read it.
- I told my friend 10 jokes to make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
- I’m trying to organize a hide and seek competition, but it’s hard to find good players.
- I told my friend he should do math in pen, but he didn’t see the point.
- I used to be a tailor, but I lost my thread of thought.
- I’m trying to write a novel about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.
- I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”
- I told my friend he should do a pun about unemployment, but it doesn’t work.
- I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me and said, “You’re the best one.”
- I tried to catch some fog yesterday, but I mist.
- I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole-destroying work.
- I told my friend he should start a bakery, but he kneaded more convincing.
- I told my friend he should become a baker, but he couldn’t rise to the occasion.
Deadpan Pickup Lines Jokes
- Are you a bank loan? Because you have my interest.
- Do you have a name, or can I call you mine?
- Is your name Google? Because you have everything I’ve been searching for.
- Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears.
- Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you’re Cu-Te.
- Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
- Are you a 90-degree angle? ‘Cause you’re looking right.
- Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I’m really feeling a connection.
- Are you a camera? Every time I look at you, I smile.
- Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
- Is your name Ariel? Because we mermaid for each other.
- Are you an interior decorator? Because when I saw you, the entire room became beautiful.
- Is there an airport nearby, or is it just my heart taking off?
- Are you a campfire? Because you’re hot and I want s’more.
- Are you a parking ticket? ‘Cause you’ve got “fine” written all over you.
- Is your name Netflix? Because I could binge-watch you all night.
- Are you a vegetable? Because you make my heart beet faster.
- Do you like Star Wars? Because Yoda one for me.
- Are you a bank? Because you’re making a withdrawal from my heart.
- Are you a time traveler? Because I can see you in my future.
Deadpan Charade Jokes
- Slow-motion zombie applying sunscreen
- Confused mime stuck in an invisible box
- Robot learning to breakdance
- Butterfly with a fear of flying
- Snail running a marathon
- Octopus trying to knit a sweater
- Alien trying to figure out a Rubik’s Cube
- Ghost hosting a tea party
- Penguin practicing yoga
- Unicorn struggling to parallel park
- Mermaid learning to ride a bicycle
- Werewolf trying to apply mascara
- Dragon afraid of heights
- Vampire getting a sunburn
- Wizard struggling to use a modern smartphone
- Frankenstein’s monster doing the electric slide
- Witch trying to order coffee at a drive-thru
- Genie stuck in a traffic jam
- Skeleton attempting a cartwheel
- Yeti trying to hail a taxi in the desert
Deadpan OneLiners Jokes
- I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.
- I told my computer I needed a break, it replied, “I’m still processing.”
- I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t rise to the occasion.
- I’m reading a book on anti-gravity, it’s impossible to put down.
- I’m not a chef, but I can still whip up a mean bowl of cereal.
- I’m not a dentist, but I do know the drill.
- I’m not a mathematician, but I can count on my fingers.
- I told my friend a joke about construction, but I’m still waiting for the punchline.
- I’m not a gardener, but I can make your tulips blossom.
- I’m not a scientist, but I can create chemistry between us.
- I’m not a magician, but I can make your worries disappear.
- I told my plants they need to grow, but they’re not branching out.
- I’m not a plumber, but I know how to fix a leak in our relationship.
- I’m not a detective, but I can solve the mystery of your heart.
- I told my friend to become a baker, but he kneaded more convincing.
- I’m not a therapist, but I’m here to listen to your problems for the next five minutes.
- I’m not a pilot, but I can still fly solo through life.
- I’m not a musician, but I can play the strings of your heart.
- I’m not a chef, but I can still spice up your life.
- I’m not a comedian, but I can still make you laugh… unintentionally.
Deadpan Quotes Jokes
- “I’m not lazy, I’m just on standby mode.”
- “I’m not a pessimist, I’m just an optimist with experience.”
- “I’m not ignoring you, I’m just prioritizing my solitude.”
- “I’m not a procrastinator, I’m just an expert in the art of timing.”
- “I’m not antisocial, I’m selectively social.”
- “I’m not avoiding responsibilities, I’m just delegating them to future me.”
- “I’m not lost, I’m just exploring alternative routes.”
- “I’m not indecisive, I’m just considering all the non-options.”
- “I’m not a night owl, I’m just nocturnally inclined.”
- “I’m not forgetful, I’m just too busy remembering not to care.”
- “I’m not a perfectionist, I’m just allergic to mediocrity.”
- “I’m not rude, I’m just fluent in sarcasm.”
- “I’m not a workaholic, I’m just work-committed.”
- “I’m not clumsy, I’m just gravity-challenged.”
- “I’m not avoiding conflict, I’m just promoting inner peace.”
- “I’m not overthinking, I’m just processing at an advanced level.”
- “I’m not skeptical, I’m just practicing healthy skepticism.”
- “I’m not a quitter, I’m just strategically retreating.”
- “I’m not a control freak, I just have a strong preference for things being my way.”
- “I’m not sarcastic, I’m just fluent in irony.”
Deadpan Captions Jokes
- Just another day of pretending to adult.
- When life gives you lemons, find someone with tequila.
- Trying to live my life like a math problem: one problem at a time.
- Current mood: functioning at a suboptimal level.
- Lost in thought. Please send search party.
- Always be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn. Then always be a unicorn.
- Overthinking is my cardio.
- Attempting to adult… with mixed results.
- Life status: under construction.
- Living the dream. Just not sure whose dream it is.
- Daydreaming about being productive.
- Trying to be a morning person in a night owl world.
- Procrastination level: expert.
- Surviving on caffeine and dry humor.
- Act natural, they said. So I started quoting “The Office.”
- Currently accepting applications for a personal assistant to do adult things.
- When life throws you a curveball, bunt and pretend you’re doing yoga.
- Being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet: no one really knows how.
- Living on the edge… of my comfort zone.
- Just here for the snacks.
Deadpan Puzzles & Riddles Jokes
- Puzzle: What is full of holes but still holds water?
Answer: A sponge. - Puzzle: What has keys but can’t open locks?
Answer: A piano. - Puzzle: What can travel around the world while staying in a corner?
Answer: A stamp. - Puzzle: What has a head, a tail, is brown, and has no legs?
Answer: A penny. - Puzzle: What gets wetter as it dries?
Answer: A towel. - Puzzle: What has a neck but no head?
Answer: A bottle. - Puzzle: What can you catch but not throw?
Answer: A cold. - Puzzle: What belongs to you, but other people use it more than you do?
Answer: Your name. - Puzzle: What has hands but can’t clap?
Answer: A clock. - Puzzle: What is so fragile that saying its name breaks it?
Answer: Silence. - Puzzle: What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand years?
Answer: The letter ‘m’. - Puzzle: What has to be broken before you can use it?
Answer: An egg. - Puzzle: What comes once in a year, twice in a week, but never in a day?
Answer: The letter ‘e’. - Puzzle: What can you keep after giving it to someone?
Answer: Your word. - Puzzle: What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
Answer: Charcoal. - Puzzle: What has four eyes but can’t see?
Answer: Mississippi (the river). - Puzzle: What goes up but never comes down?
Answer: Your age. - Puzzle: What is always in front of you but can’t be seen?
Answer: The future. - Puzzle: What is black and white and read all over?
Answer: A newspaper. - Puzzle: What can you break without touching it?
Answer: A promise.
- What has keys but can’t open locks?
Answer: A piano. - What gets wetter as it dries?
Answer: A towel. - What has a neck but no head?
Answer: A bottle. - What can travel around the world while staying in a corner?
Answer: A stamp. - What has a heart that doesn’t beat?
Answer: An artichoke. - What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand years?
Answer: The letter “m”. - What has cities, but no houses; forests, but no trees; and rivers, but no water?
Answer: A map. - What can you hold without ever touching or using your hands?
Answer: A conversation. - What has keys but can’t open locks, and space but no room?
Answer: A keyboard. - What has a bottom at the top?
Answer: Your legs. - What has many keys but can’t open a single lock?
Answer: A computer keyboard. - What starts with “e” and ends with “e” but only contains one letter?
Answer: An envelope. - What has a face and two hands, but no arms or legs?
Answer: A clock. - What is always in front of you but can’t be seen?
Answer: The future. - What has a head and a tail, but no body?
Answer: A coin. - What goes up but never comes down?
Answer: Your age. - What has a tongue but can’t taste, and runs but never walks?
Answer: A shoe. - What has keys but can’t open doors, and doesn’t have legs but can travel across the world?
Answer: A computer. - What has one eye but can’t see?
Answer: A needle. - What has many ears but can’t hear a thing?
Answer: A cornfield.
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