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Stand up Funny Best Jokes

1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
2. I told my computer I needed a break, so it gave me a “space” bar.
3. Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
4. My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, I had to take his bike away.
5. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
6. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
7. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
8. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? Because they’d crack each other up!
9. Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.
10. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed space!
11. Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired!
12. Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
13. Did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground? They woke up!
14. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one!
15. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted!
16. Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well!
17. Why did the scarecrow become a successful neurosurgeon? He was outstanding in his field!
18. Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired!
19. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
20. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!

Stand up Puns Jokes

1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
2. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She gave me a hug.
3. Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
4. Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
5. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
6. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
7. I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
8. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? Because they’d crack each other up!
9. I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
10. Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.
11. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said “40”.
12. Why was the belt arrested? It held up a pair of pants!
13. Why don’t scientists trust stairs? Because they’re always up to something.
14. What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta!
15. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one!
16. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de-brie.
17. Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
18. Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels!
19. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired!
20. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.

Stand up Pickup Lines Jokes

Stand up Charade Jokes

1. Charade: Mimic someone getting lost in a maze. Answer: Lost
2. Charade: Act like you’re milking a cow. Answer: Milk
3. Charade: Pretend to be a robot malfunctioning. Answer: Malfunction
4. Charade: Gesture like you’re flying on a broomstick. Answer: Witch
5. Charade: Pretend to be a mime trapped in an invisible box. Answer: Mime
6. Charade: Act like you’re digging for treasure. Answer: Dig
7. Charade: Mime the action of blowing a bubble with bubblegum. Answer: Bubblegum
8. Charade: Gesture like you’re playing the guitar. Answer: Guitar
9. Charade: Mimic someone riding a unicycle. Answer: Unicycle
10. Charade: Act like you’re chopping down a tree with an axe. Answer: Lumberjack
11. Charade: Pretend to be a kangaroo hopping around. Answer: Kangaroo
12. Charade: Gesture like you’re a fish swimming in water. Answer: Fish
13. Charade: Mime the action of painting on a canvas. Answer: Painter
14. Charade: Act like you’re a cowboy riding a bucking bronco. Answer: Cowboy
15. Charade: Pretend to be a chef cooking in a kitchen. Answer: Chef
16. Charade: Gesture like you’re a statue frozen in place. Answer: Statue
17. Charade: Act like you’re a firefighter spraying water from a hose. Answer: Firefighter
18. Charade: Mimic someone surfing on a surfboard. Answer: Surfer
19. Charade: Pretend to be a news anchor reporting live on TV. Answer: News anchor
20. Charade: Gesture like you’re a gymnast doing a cartwheel. Answer: Gymnast

Stand up OneLiners Jokes

1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
2. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
3. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
4. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
5. Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
6. My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally, I had to take his bike away.
7. I told my computer I needed a break and now it won’t stop sending me vacation ads.
8. I’m reading a book on anti-gravity, it’s impossible to put down.
9. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed space.
10. I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
11. Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
12. Why don’t scientists trust stairs? Because they’re always up to something.
13. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
14. Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels.
15. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s really uplifting.
16. Why was the belt arrested? For holding up a pair of pants!
17. Did you hear about the kidnapping at the park? They woke up.
18. Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
19. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
20. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

Stand up Quotes Jokes

1. “I tried counting sheep to fall asleep, but they kept jumping over the fence into my neighbor’s yard!”
2. “Life is like a refrigerator – sometimes you’re just staring inside hoping for something good to happen.”
3. “I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you!'”
4. “My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror.”
5. “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. So she gave me a hug.”
6. “I tried to be a stand-up comedian, but I kept sitting down – turns out gravity’s a tough audience.”
7. “I’m so lazy, I asked my coffee maker to brew a cup while I was still in bed. It replied, ‘Get up and make me!'”
8. “I’m not saying I’m old, but my childhood toys are now considered antiques.”
9. “My bank account is like a rollercoaster – mostly downhill with occasional loops of panic.”
10. “I’m not afraid of heights, I’m afraid of widths – like my expanding waistline.”
11. “I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me vacation ads.”
12. “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”
13. “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it. Especially if it’s sushi.”
14. “I’m not clumsy, I’m just gravity’s best friend.”
15. “I don’t need a hairstylist, I need a magician – my hair has a mind of its own!”
16. “I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy for a future crisis.”
17. “My neighbors listen to some great music. Whether they like it or not.”
18. “I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”
19. “I’m not saying I’m indecisive, but I can’t even decide if I believe in indecision.”
20. “I’m not addicted to coffee, we’re just in a committed relationship.”

Stand up Captions Jokes

1. Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways? I mean, who comes up with these things?
2. Ever notice how when you’re driving and looking for an address, it’s always on the side of the street you’re not on?
3. I’m convinced that “sleep” is just a time machine to breakfast.
4. My bank called me today and said my account was overdrawn. I said, “Thanks for letting me know. Now I can worry about it all over again.”
5. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
6. Do you ever look at your watch and think, “Wow, that’s the exact time I should be going to bed”?
7. Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
8. My dog is like a furry alarm clock that goes off at 6 am every morning, except it doesn’t have a snooze button.
9. Why do we call them “apartments” when they’re all stuck together?
10. I tried to be a vegetarian, but bacon kept bringing me back.
11. Why is it that we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are dead?
12. If “pro” is the opposite of “con,” then is progress the opposite of congress?
13. I’m pretty sure the dishwasher is just a device that slowly turns dirty dishes into clean dishes.
14. Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
15. Do you ever feel like your car’s turn signal is just a suggestion to other drivers?
16. Why is it that we park in driveways and drive on parkways? Is it opposite day?
17. Why do we call them “hot water heaters”? If the water’s already hot, do we really need to heat it?
18. Life is like a box of chocolates. It’s sweet, addicting, and can leave you feeling guilty if you have too much in one sitting.
19. Why do we say we “sleep like a baby” when babies wake up every two hours crying?
20. Have you ever noticed that the word “bed” looks like a bed? Mind blown.

Stand up Puzzles & Riddles Jokes

1. Why was the math book sad?
   Answer: Because it had too many problems.
2. What gets wetter as it dries?
   Answer: A towel.
3. What has keys but can’t open locks?
   Answer: A piano.
4. What has a neck but no head?
   Answer: A bottle.
5. What has one eye but can’t see?
   Answer: A needle.
6. What runs around the whole yard without moving?
   Answer: A fence.
7. What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand years?
   Answer: The letter ‘m’.
8. What has a head, a tail, is brown, and has no legs?
   Answer: A penny.
9. What has many keys but can’t open a single lock?
   Answer: A piano.
10. What begins with T, ends with T, and has T in it?
    Answer: A teapot.
11. What goes up but never comes down?
    Answer: Your age.
12. What has a heart that doesn’t beat?
    Answer: An artichoke.
13. What has a head, a tail, is brown, and has no legs?
    Answer: A penny.
14. What belongs to you but other people use it more than you do?
    Answer: Your name.
15. What travels around the world but stays in one spot?
    Answer: A stamp.
16. What has a thumb and four fingers but is not a hand?
    Answer: A glove.
17. What can be cracked, made, told, and played?
    Answer: A joke.
18. What is full of holes but can still hold water?
    Answer: A sponge.
19. What is so fragile that saying its name breaks it?
    Answer: Silence.
20. What has keys but can’t open locks?
    Answer: A keyboard.

1. What has keys but can’t open locks? (A piano)
2. What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand years? (The letter “M”)
3. What has a head and a tail but no body? (A coin)
4. What has a neck but no head? (A bottle)
5. What gets wetter as it dries? (A towel)
6. What belongs to you but is used more by others? (Your name)
7. What travels around the world but stays in one spot? (A stamp)
8. What has a thumb and four fingers but is not alive? (A glove)
9. What is always in front of you but can’t be seen? (The future)
10. What has a neck but no head? (A bottle)
11. What has a bottom at the top? (Your legs)
12. What can you catch but not throw? (A cold)
13. What runs around the whole yard without moving? (A fence)
14. What can be cracked, made, told, and played? (A joke)
15. What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand years? (The letter “M”)
16. What has keys but can’t open locks? (A piano)
17. What has a head and a tail but no body? (A coin)
18. What has hands but cannot clap? (A clock)
19. What has a heart but no organs? (A deck of cards)
20. What is full of holes but still holds water? (A sponge)

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